Top Menu |
BBBC Menu |
Pervious |
Next |
CHAPTER TEN Fear Of Failure (or "Give It To God")
October found me going through the motions of many tasks. It was more and more difficult for me to work. I had no energy. The daily routine was a chore, but as long as I could go to work I felt some sense of accomplishment. I had to talk with Richard about how I was doing. He helped me maintain a balance. He was my barometer. Several nights after receiving the later doses of chemotherapy, sleep was impossible. I paced. I walked outside. I watched television into the wee hours. I read. I tried to see into the future. I prayed. My dreams faded from vivid color to black and white. Dark images awoke me when I did fall into deep sleep. My mission to write this book waned. I felt that my life’s energy was leaving my body. It was difficult to talk to my mother and sisters and brother without my sadness showing. I felt tired. I felt short of breath. I was bone weary. I was depressed. My ambitions were faint memories. Richard’s encouragement and caring kept me going. We continued to dream of our future sailing cruise.
When I was feeling the lowest, my daughter and family were coming to comfort and visit for the holidays. I could not believe it! I was so happy. Richard and I worked together to get ready. I shopped and cleaned in measured episodes. My spirits were greatly lifted. That was when I became conscious that I was pretty depressed. If I had gone to support groups, I might have been more in touch with my feelings.
There were other patients in the oncology office receiving chemotherapy when I was there. Five or six comfortable reclining chairs surround the small treatment room. There are lamps and magazines to read. Nurse Cathy’s small office was partitioned off on one end of the room. When others were there, I would occasionally talk to other patients, or read and listen to others talk.
During my second treatment, an older man and I shared the room. He was dressed in shorts and a golf shirt. We began to chat. He was very pleasant. David introduced himself and told me that he was a retired medical doctor.
David had told me that he had five children who are all doctors and they each married doctors! David himself is a retired oncologist. He is around eighty but looked robust. His treatment was for melanoma and lymphoma. I listened to him talk, and as the IVs pumped into our veins, his life passed before both of our eyes. I suggested that he give the worries that he has to God, and resume contact with his spiritual self. He looked at me very seriously and said that God had sent me to him. We both struggled with the desire to protect our spouses from our illnesses. We also agreed that leaning on our spouses helped us cope and made our relationships closer.
Soon we commented on our reasons for being there. He had prostate cancer. Nurse Cathy kept checking on our intravenous (IV) lines. You would have thought that we were just sitting in a park talking. By the time his therapy was over he’d told me about his happy life and children. The time just flew by. As he was leaving he said, "Thank you so much, April", and I said, "Thank you."
Top Menu |
BBBC Menu |
Pervious |
Next |